Pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever
by dalilamoon21
Summary: Pain, defeat & obsession. A few vignettes from my 'Broken Bonds' story. Pairings implied.


Pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever.

This are some little vignettes that came to me and I have no other place to put them. This is set in between my 'Broken bonds' and 'Special favors' universe, so if you haven't read it you won't really know what is going on. I promised myself that I would finished broken bonds, a personal goal per say. I got the tittle from my DBT classes, kudos for those who know what they are. For those who have review my stories and put them on their favorites, thank you. It really makes my day when I see those little e-mails.

Other than the grammar mistakes, Gintama doesn't belong to me.

XxX

Silent prayers:

When Kagura was little, she used to pray. She would pray for her mami to get better, for her father's safety and for her brother to come back. Childish and innocent she was, naive and ignorant. But it was ok, because she was a little girl, and little girls are allow to wish for something.

When her mother died she almost stop, almost. The pain of losing the most important person in your life, can shake your foundations to the point of falling. But still she didn't give up, her mother had raised her strong.

She prayed for Gin-san and Shinpachi and everybody that she knew. She would ask the Gods, any of them, to always stay by his side and one day have him look at her not just as a girl, but as a woman.

But her prayers were for naught.

Everything she thought she had was taken away from her in one single night. There was no God looking after her that night, her prayers were ignored, and would be for a long time.

If Kagura prays anymore its hard to say, she has seen to many things, suffered too much. Her experiences had shape her into something that she hadn't been ready for, there had been no time to pray, only to survive.

XxX

Closer:

In the beginning she cried and screamed and beg me to stop. She would shudder with with disgust and tremble in fear. She would look at me with those big blue eyes of hers, full of fear and sadness. And for a long while, she held on to the hope that her brother will one day come back, and chase the monster that took her each night away.

But I didn't care.

If she cried I licked her tears, If she screamed I muffled her screams with my mouth. If she beg me to stop, I took her harder. The more she tried to get away, the closer I got.

I promised myself that I would make her scream my name in pleasure, make her beg me not to stop. I'll make her moan in ecstasy and yearn for my touch. She would think and breath only of me.

There would be no other man.

I would drown in her essence, lose myself in her skin. She inflames me, drives me crazy, she makes me feel like a God. I would corrupt her, destroy her and rip her apart. I would push her and pull her and drive her crazy.

I would make her mine.

XxX

Failure:

I failed again, I lost the fight and disappointed everyone that put their trust in me.

I carried a new burden against my own judgment, and just like before, I let it fall. But this time the loss was too great to turn around and try to live a new life. I shouldn't have become attached.

They say that you never know what you lost until is gone, and I never realized just how special she was until she was gone. Or rather, I knew she was special to me, but I kept ignoring how much. A few months ago, an itch started, a proverbial stone stuck in my mind. It took me awhile to recognize the symptoms, the signs. And then I was ashamed of myself.

But she is a young woman now.

The things I noticed now; the way she smells, her petite figure, the swelling of her hips and how her dress showed too much leg. I wondered if her skin would feel as soft as it looked, I even touched her sometimes, all by accident of course.

But now she is gone, she slipped trough my fingers like water, I was unable to keep her safe. She is gone, and the what ifs and maybes are nothing but that. A multitude of calculations and probabilities with no way to answer. She is gone and I couldn't stop it, and I can't bear it.

Do you see now, I am a failure.

XxX

Changes:

If I don't keep my mind busy, it would wander, and if it wanders it goes places, and if it goes places it gets lost. What I am afraid the most, is that one day I won't be able to find it anymore.

I have learned, since a long time ago, that when we are lonely we cling to people and places. Even if it is the wrong kind. But you see, sometimes loneliness is worst than death.

I am tired of fighting, of feeling lonely. I finally realized that as wrong as our relationship was, Kamui wants me and I need him. He treats me like a woman, nobody ever did that.

My life has change, there is no escaping it. After denying it for so long, my future and my role in it is finally clear. I have a purpose now, and very soon, I'll have something precious to protect and love.

We would fight together, revive our clan together, because I am his as much as he is mine.

XxX

Losing:

In my line of work, losing is unacceptable. On the battlefield, where life is lived instant by instant, and the soft caress of a sword determines whether you'll live another day to try and kill your vice-commander; there is no time to think, only to strike. Emotions are baggages that drag you down, you must keep your mind clean and focused...breath.

They call me a genius, a prodigy, the greatest swordsman of the Shinsengumi. And I was proud of that, my one true accomplishment. Losing is for failures, and I am not one... Until she arrived.

I hated losing, specially to her.

She came out of nowhere to destroy my perfect world, were everything made sense, and had its own place. And for a long time I was resentful. Not just because I was unable to gain a clear victory against her, but because she wasn't even using her full strength. True, if we were fighting for real, serious damage would have been done, specially to me. But she always held back for some reason that I couldn't understand... until that day.

How gullible was I to think so great of myself. To never fully realized that the universe was vast and infinite, and that one day I would have to fight someone so strong and so much more fuck up than I was. That one day I would stare at her defeated eyes and finally realized how much she really meant to me.

In my defense, I hadn't been prepared, everything just happened so fast. Our fight barely lasted nine minutes, and It was obvious that he wasn't even trying that hard. Damn those siblings, so alike and yet so different. That day I lost more than a battle, I lost something that wasn't even mine yet, and it hurt even more.

I am a sore loser, and I pay back twice for revenge. I may have lost that battle, but the war hadn't even started. This time I will be ready, because you see losing is for failures, and I am not one.


End file.
